Daniel very proud of his baby brother
David proving he is the ultimate BIG brother
I never thought I'd want to be a "stay- at home mom". I enjoy my job, it feels good to be out of the house. I drink more water and eat more at work, because I only have myself to contend to. I even go to the bathroom, alone and it feels weird. (but good) I get to carry on "intellectual " conversations with adults. Sometimes, I even get a few minutes to read or catch up on my email. But, I must admit, the 12 weeks I had off after Reagan's birth were so sweet. Although, the days were hectic and jammed full of responsibilities and frustrations, it was nice to only have that "work" to worry about.
Many of my friends ask me 'how do you do it?'. My answer would be, "I have no idea". I have been back at work for 3 weeks now and I have yet to feel organized. I manage to take a few minutes during my shift (while pumping) and dream of my precious chubby- cheeked, full of joy (and gas) and smiles baby boy (and that I'd make 18oz of milk b/c I can barely fill a Coke can). With those icey blue eyes that dance like glittering water and stare right at me, like he's trying to tell me something. I could not be more in love right now. Amongst all of the frustrations and chaos, my days are also filled with three boys that love life. I don't know if it's because this may be our last, but I am really taking it all in. I can barely get enough of Reagan's soft, sweet cheeks that I smother with kisses all day. I want to hug David and Daniel so hard, I think they feel like I may squeeze them to death. I feel so blessed to have these gifts from God. I had dreamt about having children, but never understood how it could take over your entire being.
Reagan is almost 4 mths. It is unbelievable. He isn't sleeping through the night yet. Although, the other boys didn't either, until almost a year old. He is sleeping better though, giving us at least 3-4 hrs. at a time. He loves attention. If he's upset, often it is that he only wants someone to talk to and that he does a lot. His little coos and gurgles are untranslatable, but I assume he is telling me how much he loves me. He isn't rolling over yet but can get himself to his back, if he's on his side. He's been holding his head up well for awhile now but gets very angry if I try to give him "tummy time". The best way to make him happy is to get him naked while changing his diaper and I love to count his rolls. He sort of looks like a buddha baby, so I tend to kiss his "buddha" belly a lot too. Now, that we've made it through the first few months, I wonder why I always get so bent out of shape at first. I look back now and think 'it wasn't so bad' . Waking up every 1-2hrs wasn't that bad. Nah, what was my problem anyway? So far, I've done that 3 times..... gotten bent out of shape. You'd think I'd have learned but I have only improved in small ways. Thankfully, I have a husband that doesn't get bent out of shape easily and my little heart is forever grateful. Brian has kept me grounded and not allowed me to get too crazy. And, if I did he loved me anyway which was amazing.
I am still learning......I want to be such a good mom. I am so glad that love endures all and covers all transgressions. I know as I am going through this journey, trying to be a "good mom"- that I am making mistakes and disappointing myself and my kids. I can only pray that through it all my boys will see how much I love them and forget about the ways I disappointed them.